her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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