I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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