Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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