When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
