Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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