plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
