Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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