Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
