would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
