you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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