i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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