My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
