did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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