I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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