don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
