Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
