Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
