do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
