some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
