dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
