She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
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When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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