I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
