Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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