I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
3 2 1 whiskey
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
