threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
