Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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