I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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