you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
