someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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