just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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