She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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