Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
