she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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