chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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