Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
