I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
