nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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