Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
