just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
