Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
zippers are such a cool invention
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
