the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
