I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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