I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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