i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
