When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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