so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
