i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
