I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
two words...techno handjob
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
