my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
