got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The Olympian is in my bed
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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