we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
