Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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