And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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