I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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