From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
