So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
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he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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