Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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