What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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