Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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