my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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